You’ve been in my life for almost 7 years now. You might think that you still have control over me. And, in some ways, you do. But, I’ve learned to not let you always be the reason and excuse for not living a peaceful and joyful life. I have finally found moments of peace and joy. This has been a really hard thing to do. Along with your controlling ways, your friend, “guilt,” has existed, too. I wouldn’t allow myself to laugh or be happy because of guilt. It felt wrong to let myself enjoy a funny movie, sing along to a great song on the radio or just to eat a bowl of my favorite ice cream. And, I’m not saying that grief has disappeared; I know it is always there just under the surface. Sometimes, grief sneaks up on me from places I never expected and it makes me fall to pieces. Other times, I purposely visit grief just to make myself feel like I am back with Kayla. It is so painful to go there, but, remembering those last days with her can be comforting…..in an uncomfortable sort of way.
So, grief, in order for me to keep going each day and try to be a good mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend, I am asking you to please not make any more surprise visits. I understand that you are necessary and expected after the loss of a child. And, I know you have no expiration date, either. But, I’ll give you a call myself when it’s time for us to talk.