Dear Grief,

grief get through it

Dear Grief,

You’ve been in my life for almost 7 years now.  You might think that you still have control over me.  And, in some ways, you do.  But, I’ve learned to not let you always be the reason and excuse for not living a peaceful and joyful life.  I have finally found moments of peace and joy.  This has been a really hard thing to do.  Along with your controlling ways, your friend, “guilt,” has existed, too. I wouldn’t allow myself to laugh or be happy because of guilt.  It felt wrong to let myself enjoy a funny movie, sing along to a great song on the radio or just to eat a bowl of my favorite ice cream.  And, I’m not saying that grief has disappeared; I know it is always there just under the surface.  Sometimes, grief sneaks up on me from places I never expected and it makes me fall to pieces.  Other times, I purposely visit grief just to make myself feel like I am back with Kayla. It is so painful to go there, but, remembering those last days with her can be comforting…..in an uncomfortable sort of way.

So, grief, in order for me to keep going each day and try to be a good mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend, I am asking you to please not make any more surprise visits. I understand that you are necessary and expected after the loss of a child.  And, I know you have no expiration date, either.  But, I’ll give you a call myself when it’s time for us to talk.

Amber

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About MomMinus1

Welcome to my blog, momminus1 (mom minus one). I am a mother of three beautiful girls, Kayla 17, Allison 13 and Ashley 5. One of my daughters recently became an angel; Kayla passed away on September 22, 2010 due to complications from AML leukemia. She was diagnosed on July 3, 2010. She endured harsh chemotherapy treatments, hair loss, rare and painful skin disorders, horrible stomach infections, weakness, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and fear. From the time she was diagnosed until the day she died it was just 81 days..... A short, but, horrific battle with cancer. I am always asked, "How are you doing? What can I do for you? How are your two girls doing?" At times, these are tough questions to answer. And, I express myself best when I write. Writing is so helpful and therapeutic for me. Maybe I can answer these questions for those that are concerned about us. Maybe I can help another mom that might wake up tomorrow and find out that their child is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe there is a mom somewhere, like me, that just lost a child to cancer and is searching the web for answers. She might be thinking, "Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through?" I understand. I am grieving. I am in pain. I have a big piece of my heart that is now gone.....I would love your feedback about my blog, too. Thanks for reading!
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