It’s been a while…….

Dear Mom Minus 1 Blog,                                                        kayla green shirt

It’s been so long since I’ve been here. I’m so sorry I haven’t visited sooner. But, you are always on mind. Life has a way of steering you in many directions……work, school, grocery shopping, laundry, etc….They are all necessary and give me no choice but to put writing on the back burner. In some ways, I think staying busy has been a good distraction from my grief. I’ve learned if I go non-stop all day, my pain from losing Kayla is not as intense or a punch in the stomach. But, I remember what helped me in the first place and that was starting this blog.

We are approaching 7 years since Kayla died and I just can’t believe it. Has it really been 7 years? There has been so much that has happened in this short amount of time. Ashley will be in the 7th grade this year. Allison recently got married. I found a job that I love, too. We drive different cars now and have new pets since Kayla died. We do still have 1 cat that Kayla loved; he is an old man now. I have many more gray hairs on my head and darker circles under my eyes. We’ve lost some loved ones. And, we’ve made some new friends that never had the pleasure of knowing her. Kayla would be 24 today and I am constantly thinking about where she would be in her life now if she had survived. What college would she have attended? What would her degree be in? Would she be working? Would she be married? Would she be starting a family? Would she have done something completely different from college, career, marriage and family? Would we be friends? Kayla and I had our typical mother-daughter arguments and battles; we are both stubborn redheads, too. Sometimes, I think about what our relationship would be like now. I like to imagine that we would have had a beautiful mother-daughter friendship just like what I have with my mother.

So, how am I doing now almost 7 years later? I’m still a mother who is missing a piece of my heart. I am heartbroken and miss Kayla every day of my life. I will never be over the loss of my girl. But, as each year passes, I feel like I can think about more of the good times I had with her and not focus only on memories of when she was sick and passed away. They say, “time heals all wounds.” My wounds are not really healed. There are still scars of pain and sorrow all over my heart. Time and the grace of God has helped me get the through hours, minutes and seconds when I felt like I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other.

The mothers in our support group continue to comfort other bereaved moms, including myself. I haven’t spent much time posting anything on our group page lately. But, there are many new bereaved moms that are joining the group all the time. And, I remember what it felt like when Kayla died; I didn’t know anyone who had lost a child to cancer….I didn’t know anyone who had lost a child at all. I searched the internet looking for another mom who understood what I was going through. But, I just couldn’t find one. If I had just one mom that I could have reached out to in those first few months, I wouldn’t have felt so alone in the world. This is why it is important to me to keep writing and to not let another mom who has lost their child to cancer feel alone.

I will write more soon…………..

Sincerely,

Amber

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About MomMinus1

Welcome to my blog, momminus1 (mom minus one). I am a mother of three beautiful girls, Kayla 17, Allison 13 and Ashley 5. One of my daughters recently became an angel; Kayla passed away on September 22, 2010 due to complications from AML leukemia. She was diagnosed on July 3, 2010. She endured harsh chemotherapy treatments, hair loss, rare and painful skin disorders, horrible stomach infections, weakness, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and fear. From the time she was diagnosed until the day she died it was just 81 days..... A short, but, horrific battle with cancer. I am always asked, "How are you doing? What can I do for you? How are your two girls doing?" At times, these are tough questions to answer. And, I express myself best when I write. Writing is so helpful and therapeutic for me. Maybe I can answer these questions for those that are concerned about us. Maybe I can help another mom that might wake up tomorrow and find out that their child is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe there is a mom somewhere, like me, that just lost a child to cancer and is searching the web for answers. She might be thinking, "Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through?" I understand. I am grieving. I am in pain. I have a big piece of my heart that is now gone.....I would love your feedback about my blog, too. Thanks for reading!
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