A Time to Remember

One night, I was sitting in the living room of my childhood home. Instead of resting on a chair or the couch, I found comfort on a high-top wooden table. I was high enough off of the ground where my feet could barely touch the floor beneath me. Without thinking about it, I found myself leisurely swinging my legs back and forth. It’s funny how sitting on something slightly elevated off of the ground can make you feel like a kid again. I was seated directly across from my mother when I noticed how young she appeared. It was as if she was 20-years-old again. As I was admiring her youthful presence, she looked at me directly and intently. “I know you are hurting about Kayla, Amber,” she said to me…..without saying a word.  I silently responded with, “Mom, I am fine. Please don’t worry about me.”  Honestly, I was really having an overwhelming moment of grief and didn’t want to tell her because I knew she would worry. But, amazingly, we seemed to be communicating telepathically with each other. I wanted to verbally tell her how I truly felt, but, I simply could not speak; nothing would come out of my mouth. Maybe this explains the bond between a mother and her daughter. Somehow, we have the capability to just know how the other one is feeling. A mother never stops worrying about her daughter….no matter how old she is….And, a daughter never wants her mother to worry about her. But, I have learned over time that it is impossible to take all of the anguish and anxiety away from a mother when it comes to concern for her children.

While visiting with my mother, something unbelievable happened.  When I stood up from sitting on the wooden table I felt something in my right hand. It was not painful or uncomfortable; it was just there. I looked down at my clinched fist and carefully opened my hand with one finger at a time unsure of what I might find. Surprisingly, there was a message written in the palm of my hand. The ink was very black and looked like it was written with a Sharpie pen. When I read the message, the familiar feeling of shock overwhelmed me. It felt like a lightening bolt went through my entire body. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. “Mom, I am okay. Love, Kayla.” How was this possible? My heart began to pound harder and faster. My breathing intensified. Immediately, I started looking around the room for her, but, she was no where to be found.  The room was spinning and I was in a panic. And, then in a blink of an eye…….I woke up.

I began having vivid dreams when I was a very young child.  The dreams were always in color and usually incomprehensible.  Years ago, I had a crazy dream that I was walking through a giant box of Bryer’s vanilla ice cream with tennis rackets tied to the bottom of my feet to use as snow shoes….Ha….I wouldn’t know where to begin to try to interpret a ridiculous dream like that.  However, this dream about the message from Kayla, seemed so real.  It felt like it really happened.  I can still visualize every detail from the high-top light oak table I sat on to the scent of the marker in my hand.  I can remember that it was a very dark night with the sky lit up with stars.  My mother glowed with youth and a time long before she lost her oldest grandchild.  Everything in this dream seemed like I could reach out and touch it.  But, as I was slowly opening my eyes from a deep sleep, reality quickly set in.  What seemed so realistic was only a dream.  A huge wave of disappointment washed over me as I awoke.  It seemed so unfair that my brain would take my thoughts hostage and manipulate them into convincing me that this dream really happened.  But, at the same time, having an opportunity to receive a message from Kayla gave me comfort and peace.  The closest way for a bereaved mother to see her child is through her dreams.  We often pray and ask God to please send our child to us in our dreams.  And, even through the disappointment of reality upon waking, I still had a very precious moment in time that I will always appreciate and never forget.


About MomMinus1

Welcome to my blog, momminus1 (mom minus one). I am a mother of three beautiful girls, Kayla 17, Allison 13 and Ashley 5. One of my daughters recently became an angel; Kayla passed away on September 22, 2010 due to complications from AML leukemia. She was diagnosed on July 3, 2010. She endured harsh chemotherapy treatments, hair loss, rare and painful skin disorders, horrible stomach infections, weakness, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and fear. From the time she was diagnosed until the day she died it was just 81 days..... A short, but, horrific battle with cancer. I am always asked, "How are you doing? What can I do for you? How are your two girls doing?" At times, these are tough questions to answer. And, I express myself best when I write. Writing is so helpful and therapeutic for me. Maybe I can answer these questions for those that are concerned about us. Maybe I can help another mom that might wake up tomorrow and find out that their child is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe there is a mom somewhere, like me, that just lost a child to cancer and is searching the web for answers. She might be thinking, "Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through?" I understand. I am grieving. I am in pain. I have a big piece of my heart that is now gone.....I would love your feedback about my blog, too. Thanks for reading!
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3 Responses to A Time to Remember

  1. judy says:

    you were always a dreamer!! i can imagine how a dream could feel so real. ive had some crazy ones and some good ones. i hope you are doing okay. this time of the year is always the worst time. take care of yourself and i love you all!!!

  2. SusanB says:

    Amber this reality of our lives, right now, is a pinprick in eternity. Kayla truly is waiting for you and in a blink of her eyes you two will be reunited. Let your dreams bring you lasting peace, or as long as is possible (missing your sweet daughter as you do).

  3. laursykes says:

    Thank you for sharing. You’re an inspiration to many fighting a hard battle. From a survivor, thank you for continuing to fight and bring awareness.

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