Does God Really Hear Me?

butterfly real 2Have you ever wondered if God really hears you when you pray?  I don’t remember ever not praying in my life time; it’s just always been something very important to me to do.  But, does God really hear me?  It’s easy to say that God answers,”yes,” to our prayers when we receive something that we really want.  But, when we pray and don’t get what we want, we assume God’s answer is, “no.”  I’ve accepted the fact that God said, “no,” when I begged Him for healing over Kayla’s sick and frail body.  I didn’t like the answer I was given, but, I’ve learned to accept it.  Since her death, there have been days when I felt that it was pointless to pray.  I’ve thought, “Why should I even bother to pray when God didn’t save my daughter?”  But, over time, God has opened my eyes to see some of the blessings that have come from the loss of Kayla.

One afternoon early last week, I was outside walking my dog.  I began thinking about how September 22, the third anniversary of Kayla’s death, was quickly approaching.  I knew it was going to be a difficult day to get through.  So, I thought about what I would want on this significant day to assure me that she was okay.  Orange butterflies have been a sign of comfort for me since Kayla died.  This color represents leukemia, her red/orange hair, Orange Beach, Alabama (her favorite vacation spot), and more.  I didn’t wake up and choose an orange butterfly to remind me of her; it just evolved into it.  And, at that moment, I knew what I wanted and I began a silent prayer, “God, please send me an orange butterfly…….”  In the blink of an eye, a small orange butterfly instantly appeared at my feet!  And, as quickly as it appeared, it flew away.  How did this happen?  I did not even finish my prayer when the butterfly appeared!  I was initially asking God to please send me an orange butterfly on September 22.  But, I never expected an instantaneous answer.  I’ve never had a prayer answered that quickly and blessed with exactly what I asked for, either!  I immediately thanked God for the butterfly.  And, because God sent it to me as an early gift, I decided that I didn’t have to see on on September 22.  I just prayed for comfort and strength to get through the day.  Later, I privately told Joel about what happened.  And, he was happy to see me smile.

I woke up a little later than usual on Sunday morning of September 22.  I knew I needed to make a decision about visiting Kayla’s grave. Part of me knew I should be there even if it was just for a few minutes.  Another part of me, felt that it would be too emotionally difficult to be anywhere near the cemetery.  Thankfully, Joel insisted that I get up and get dressed and said he would take me there.  Just as we were a few miles from our home and sitting at a red light, Ashley, who was in the back seat, said, “Look!  There’s an orange butterfly!”  I was so happy and thanked God for answering my prayer request for this special day.  We continued on our journey to the cemetery, but, needed to stop for gas.  And, from one end of the building of the gas station to the other end, an orange butterfly flew by.  I couldn’t believe it!  God sent me two butterflies today!  What a blessing that was for me!  As we kept heading to the cemetery, I decided to stop by a local Walmart and find something new to put on her grave site.  We decided to get a new wind chime.  There was already one there, but, it was rusted and the colors had faded.  I looked for a butterfly wind chime, but, had no luck finding one.  We decided on one with a lady bug; A lady bug is another nick name some friends and coworkers had given Kayla while she was working in a bakery.  And, that bakery, was located just across the street from the Walmart we visited.  As we drove by it, my mind went back to Kayla’s first day at work.  I remember taking her there and she was so nervous and scared to get out of the car.  I kept encouraging her that she would be fine and to go in and just do her best.  Now, I wish I just would have held onto her and not allowed her to work, go to school, socialize, and kept her in a plastic bubble and maybe…..just maybe……I could have protected her from cancer………We arrived at the cemetery and walked up the hill to her grave site.  We removed the old wind chime and replaced it with the new one.  The wind was slightly blowing and just enough for the chimes to make a beautiful and peaceful sound.  A few minutes later, one of Kayla’s best friends, Courtney, her boyfriend and her mother arrived carrying a vase of beautiful fall flowers.  I had not seen them in a while and was so glad that I did.  Courtney’s birthday is, also, on September 22.  It was over a year after Kayla died when I learned that her dear friend, who was like a sister to her, shared a birthday with Kayla’s Heavenly birthday.  I said to Courtney, “Your birthday is forever changed and will never be the same again.”  She agreed, but, was blessed to share something so significant and special with her best friend.  We were all gathered around the head stone sharing memories and stories of Kayla.  All of a sudden…..there it was again……a beautiful ORANGE BUTTERFLY!  It flew right over her head stone, over the top of our heads and then quickly disappeared.  I was stunned and amazed.  I really didn’t know what to say or what to think.  But, everyone saw it!  God really heard me!!!  And, that was all that I wanted.  I wanted to be able to see an orange butterfly on September 22.  But, God sent me three butterflies that day to represent three years!  Some might say this was nothing but a coincidence, but, I have to disagree.  This was a direct message sent to me by our Heavenly Father to assure me that my daughter is okay and she is still with me.  I’ve never experienced a prayer request to be instantly answered and hit me right between the eyes.  I’ve waited for three years for a moment like this.  With the exception of a few dreams about Kayla, this is the first time I’ve truly felt her presence.  God allowed me to have a brief moment with my daughter and I am beyond grateful for this gift.

When I think back to all of hours I spent pleading and bargaining with God to take cancer away from Kayla, I get overwhelmed.  There were moments when I felt like I was hitting my head against a wall.  I didn’t understand why He wasn’t listening.  But, I believe He did hear me.  He did answer my prayers.  I prayed, “Dear God, please take this horrific and devastating cancer away from Kayla, please heal her, allow her to be set free from this pain and suffering.”  He did all of these things for her……in Heaven.

Advertisements

About MomMinus1

Welcome to my blog, momminus1 (mom minus one). I am a mother of three beautiful girls, Kayla 17, Allison 13 and Ashley 5. One of my daughters recently became an angel; Kayla passed away on September 22, 2010 due to complications from AML leukemia. She was diagnosed on July 3, 2010. She endured harsh chemotherapy treatments, hair loss, rare and painful skin disorders, horrible stomach infections, weakness, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and fear. From the time she was diagnosed until the day she died it was just 81 days..... A short, but, horrific battle with cancer. I am always asked, "How are you doing? What can I do for you? How are your two girls doing?" At times, these are tough questions to answer. And, I express myself best when I write. Writing is so helpful and therapeutic for me. Maybe I can answer these questions for those that are concerned about us. Maybe I can help another mom that might wake up tomorrow and find out that their child is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe there is a mom somewhere, like me, that just lost a child to cancer and is searching the web for answers. She might be thinking, "Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through?" I understand. I am grieving. I am in pain. I have a big piece of my heart that is now gone.....I would love your feedback about my blog, too. Thanks for reading!
This entry was posted in mother's life after child dies from cancer and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Does God Really Hear Me?

  1. Odie's Mom says:

    in tears. i really needed to hear a story just like this today. what a blessing you recieved… and then shared.

  2. Cyndi Amerson says:

    That is awesome that you saw 3 butterflies, for 3 years! This is so wonderful that I will have to share it. Always, thinking of you and Kayla!

  3. Robin Brown says:

    I loved this story! I know the joy that comes to your heart when you experience this affirmation. It’s as if your grief is put on temporary hold to let some joy in. I have a butterfly experience with Douglas. I was feeling very sad and missed him terribly. I took my two dogs out and was feeling particularly grumpy in my grief. Wanting the dogs to hurry it along I was surprised to glance down and see a white butterfly resting by my feet. I was particularly surprised as it was quite cold out and the last thing I expected to see was a butterfly. I suddenly had this knowing that Doug was near. The butterfly took off in flight and I thought in my head Doug if you are here have the butterfly come back. It came back and gently flew over the backs of both dogs as if to say hello. I was spellbound, as it fluttered nearby mentally I asked the butterfly to come to me. As soon as I had the thought it fluttered right between my eyes to the point it caused me to blink. I turned to see where it had gone but it had disappeared. It was such a surreal moment that filled me with such joy and assurance. Thank you for sharing this!

  4. Janell Sponburgh says:

    Amber I’m so glad your prayer was answered. This was just what I needed to read today as I’m waiting for an answer to prayer. Anytime I see an orange butterfly I will be thinking of you and Kayla.

  5. judy says:

    amber, i am so excited to know kayla visited you three times sun. how wonderful you must feel! god is so good to us and loves us so much! if she comes back tell her to come see me too!!!! i love you!

  6. tersiaburger says:

    I too have ben blessed with messages from Heaven. http://tersiaburger.com/2013/04/02/a-message-from-heaven/

    “Rainbow promises sometimes show up from nowhere. After the great flood, God set a rainbow in the sky as a sign of His promise not to destroy the earth by water ever again. Double rainbows, and rainbows captured in dew or mist are especially significant. People sometimes think of butterflies as tiny living parts of rainbows that bring their own promise. They sometimes fly to relatives of a deceased loved one.”

    I am so glad you saw your messages from Heaven.

    • MomMinus1 says:

      Thank you for sending me your own message from Heaven. I’ve never heard about “butterflies as tiny living parts of rainbows that bring their own promise.” That was beautiful.

  7. Jessa says:

    Amber, I just wanted to let you know that I emailed this blog post to my friends and I have had people respond asking me if they can share it. Your words are an inspiration and a blessing to others who have also experienced lost (one was for a daughter also). God is working through you. Kayla is still touching people. I am so thankful that He gave you these butterflies and that you took time to share how He answered your prayer.

  8. Ann says:

    Thank you so much for you beautiful words. My son passed away almost 2 years ago, This Saturday would have been his birthday. He had a genetic disability since birth. As a new Christian, I would pray for him to have a good day, be pain free etc…but as my faith grew, I began to ask for healing, complete healing. That prayer was answered on October 14th 2011 when God took my boy home to be with Him in Heaven. As these 2 days approach, I really needed to hear the words of encouragement you offered today.

    • MomMinus1 says:

      Dear Ann….Thank you for contacting me. I’m so glad to know that my blog touched you. I truly believe your son is with you and you will see him again one day. Hugs to you…….

  9. Marianne volpert says:

    Peace be with you.

  10. SusanB says:

    I think that all along God gives us messages, spiritual hugs, but we are not always ready to receive them. What an amazing experience to have. Kayla, is changing your heart and the way you think and the blessings will be/are massive. And her sisters also.

  11. suman26Suman says:

    Amber, this is so beautiful. Your amber is always with you. Just not in a way you a used to ( I.e physically) . But her spirit has never left you and will never ever leave you. Hugs my dear. Reading this has helped me at so many levels to try and process what happened to zoey last year.

  12. Kara says:

    I just wanted to say that I have been reading your blog for quite a while and this was an absolutely beautiful post. I believe that it was Kayla coming through as a beautiful butterfly to give you, her wonderful, loving mother a sign that she is always close to you, even though you may not see her. I am glad that God answered your prayer on that difficult day!

  13. Susan says:

    I found your blog a few months after my sweet 34-year old daughter Katie went home to be with Jesus. She was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma last March and went home on July 8th. We miss her so much. All of the “firsts” without her have been so hard. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I question the presence of God daily but in order to make it through each day, I have to believe that Katie is in heaven and we’ll all be together again soon. I’ve had a hard time asking God for anything lately because I’ve felt so betrayed, but I know the day will come when I will understand and trust in His plan.

    • MomMinus1 says:

      Susan….I am so glad you found my blog and deeply appreciate your comments. I understand how you feel and it is easy to wonder if God is truly existing due to all of the cries of begging Him to heal Kayla. But, I do believe He exists and He hears me. I believe He hears you and knows your heartache. I truly believe we will both see our girls again one day. You will be in my prayers. Please contact me anytime.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s