The clock is ticking and is not going to stop………September 22 is in two days and I can’t prevent this day from happening. I cannot believe it has been three years since I’ve seen Kayla. Part of this time since she died has quickly gone by. Another part of me has stood completely still. I have accepted the fact that there will always be some pain…….some days are better than others…….I still like to laugh. And, I haven’t forgotten how to cry………
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on my blog. I really have not had the desire to write much lately. I’ve started several posts, but, I have not finished any of them yet. I knew that I wanted or, at least, needed to write something in honor of Kayla and our third anniversary without her. As I was thinking about what I wanted to write, I became distracted with the very difficult memories I have of her last few days on earth. Thoughts of watching her slowly go away forever are stuck in my head…..all of the pain and suffering she endured, the multiple IV’s, numerous doctors and nurses constantly in and out of her room. I was so confused, emotional, angry, etc. I still remember when I first realized that she was not going to live. One of her regular doctors stopped by to see her, along with a number of other doctors in PICU. At that point, she was in an induced coma and on a BIPAP ventilator. The only thing that I remember is that “look” the doctor gave me. It was a look of fear. He knew she was not going to make it, but, just could not tell me. He didn’t have to; I just knew. As I’m remembering those devastating days, I decided to go back and look at what I had written in Kayla’s Caringbridge journal. It was so hard for me to read it, but, I needed to take my mind and my heart back there and reflect on my last few moments with my daughter. I wanted to share it with everyone and it is posted below:
Written September 19, 2010 9:47am
“I really hoped and prayed that last night was going to be a better night for Kayla. In my journal entry last night, things were going so much better for her. Her fever was gone. All the nausea and vomiting had stopped. She was very talkative and watching TV. But, late last night everything changed. The doctors started her on a new medication last night and warned me of the side effects: flue like symptoms, shaking, nausea and vomiting. She had all of the side effects. Can my daughter just have a little break from this hell?
She is resting right now and heavily medicated for pain and nausea. Her BP began to drop again this morning. They think it is due to her being on so much medication. Fluids were started via IV, which is to help bring up her BP. Her fever is going away, as well.
As far as what is making her so sick is still unknown. She had abdominal x-rays and an ultrasound of her belly done yesterday which did not find anything significant. So, the doctors are thinking that she is reacting to chemo which can make you very sick. Her last chemo treatment was last Monday, September 13. However, as her WBC’s continue to drop after treatment, she can then be very sick for several days or weeks.
She is still in PICU and we are not sure when they will let her return to her regular room. We were hoping it would be today, but, we are just not sure that is going to happen.
Kayla looked at me yesterday and said, “Mom, please take this cancer away from me.” All I knew to tell her was that if I could cure her I would and I would trade places with her in a second. I really do mean that. And, I am sure all of the mom’s out there that are reading this could agree with me. Kayla says that she doesn’t understand how I could feel that way. I have explained to her that one day when she becomes a mother, she will do ANYTHING to keep her children safe, protected, healthy and happy.
Praying for a better day for Kayla……….she needs some peace right now.
And, just as I was going to post this journal entry onto caringbridge, the doctors stopped by to check on Kayla. They might do a CT of her abdomen since they could not find anything from an x-ray or the ultrasound. When the doctors walked out of the room, I looked over at her BP and it had dropped to 89/28. I ran out into the hall and told the doctors. They calmly came in and looked at her and then ordered more IV fluids and a pint of blood. The nurse took her BP again on her other arm and it was 100/40. She said the reason her BP was so low was because her arm was elevated above her heart causing an inaccurate reading. I was relieved, but, I am still so worried about her. She is stable now and just praying for that light at the end of the tunnel for her.”