Three Years

kayla painting 2The clock is ticking and is not going to stop………September 22 is in two days and I can’t prevent this day from happening.  I cannot believe it has been three years since I’ve seen Kayla.  Part of this time since she died has quickly gone by.  Another part of me has stood completely still.  I have accepted the fact that there will always be some pain…….some days are better than others…….I still like to laugh.  And, I haven’t forgotten how to cry………

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on my blog.  I really have not had the desire to write much lately.  I’ve started several posts, but, I have not finished any of them yet.  I knew that I wanted or, at least, needed to write something in honor of Kayla and our third anniversary without her.  As I was thinking about what I wanted to write, I became distracted with the very difficult memories I have of her last few days on earth.  Thoughts of watching her slowly go away forever are stuck in my head…..all of the pain and suffering she endured, the multiple IV’s, numerous doctors and nurses constantly in and out of her room.  I was so confused, emotional, angry, etc.  I still remember when I first realized that she was not going to live.  One of her regular doctors stopped by to see her, along with a number of other doctors in PICU.  At that point, she was in an induced coma and on a BIPAP ventilator.  The only thing that I remember is that “look” the doctor gave me.  It was a look of fear.  He knew she was not going to make it, but, just could not tell me.  He didn’t have to; I just knew.  As I’m remembering those devastating days, I decided to go back and look at what I had written in Kayla’s Caringbridge journal.  It was so hard for me to read it, but, I needed to take my mind and my heart back there and reflect on my last few moments with my daughter.  I wanted to share it with everyone and it is posted below:

Written September 19, 2010 9:47am

“I really hoped and prayed that last night was going to be a better night for Kayla.  In my journal entry last night, things were going so much better for her.  Her fever was gone.  All the nausea and vomiting had stopped.  She was very talkative and watching TV. But, late last night everything changed.  The doctors started her on a new medication last night and warned me of the side effects:  flue like symptoms, shaking, nausea and vomiting.  She had all of the side effects.  Can my daughter just have a little break from this hell? 

She is resting right now and heavily medicated for pain and nausea.  Her  BP began to drop again this morning.  They think it is due to her being on so much medication.  Fluids were started via IV, which is to help bring up her BP.  Her fever is going away, as well. 

As far as what is making her so sick is still unknown.  She had abdominal x-rays and an ultrasound of her belly done yesterday which did not find anything significant.  So, the doctors are thinking that she is reacting to chemo which can make you very sick.  Her last chemo treatment was last Monday, September 13. However, as her WBC’s continue to drop after treatment, she can then be very sick for several days or weeks.

She is still in PICU and we are not sure when they will let her return to her regular room.  We were hoping it would be today, but, we are just not sure that is going to happen.

Kayla looked at me yesterday and said, “Mom, please take this cancer away from me.”  All I knew to tell her was that if I could cure her I would and I would trade places with her in a second.  I really do mean that.  And, I am sure all of the mom’s out there that are reading this could agree with me.  Kayla says that she doesn’t understand how I could feel that way.    I have explained to her that one day when she becomes a mother, she will do ANYTHING to keep her children safe, protected, healthy and happy.

Praying for a better day for Kayla……….she needs some peace right now.

And, just as I was going to post this journal entry onto caringbridge, the doctors stopped by to check on Kayla.  They might do a CT of her abdomen since they could not find anything from an x-ray or the ultrasound.  When the doctors walked out of the room, I looked over at her BP and it had dropped to 89/28.  I ran out into the hall and told the doctors.  They calmly came in and looked at her and then ordered more IV fluids and a pint of blood.  The nurse took her BP again on her other arm and it was 100/40.  She said the reason her BP was so low was because her arm was elevated above her heart causing an inaccurate reading.  I was relieved, but, I am still so worried about her.  She is stable now and just praying for that light at the end of the tunnel for her.”

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About MomMinus1

Welcome to my blog, momminus1 (mom minus one). I am a mother of three beautiful girls, Kayla 17, Allison 13 and Ashley 5. One of my daughters recently became an angel; Kayla passed away on September 22, 2010 due to complications from AML leukemia. She was diagnosed on July 3, 2010. She endured harsh chemotherapy treatments, hair loss, rare and painful skin disorders, horrible stomach infections, weakness, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and fear. From the time she was diagnosed until the day she died it was just 81 days..... A short, but, horrific battle with cancer. I am always asked, "How are you doing? What can I do for you? How are your two girls doing?" At times, these are tough questions to answer. And, I express myself best when I write. Writing is so helpful and therapeutic for me. Maybe I can answer these questions for those that are concerned about us. Maybe I can help another mom that might wake up tomorrow and find out that their child is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe there is a mom somewhere, like me, that just lost a child to cancer and is searching the web for answers. She might be thinking, "Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through?" I understand. I am grieving. I am in pain. I have a big piece of my heart that is now gone.....I would love your feedback about my blog, too. Thanks for reading!
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8 Responses to Three Years

  1. Lisa Ruprecht says:

    Hugs my beautiful Stupid Cancer Friend. With you xoxoxo

  2. Oh Amber, how i know your pain, i feel the same pain, and i have been in those very moments with Alexa. It all still feels like a dream. I think in a way, it always will. Its too much pain to process. I do know Heaven is real, and that desire for our childrens psin and suffering to end has been fulfilled, just not how we wanted i to. But God is Great and he will continue to carry us through. You are in my heart and prayers as you face these difficult days. My worst days are just ahead, Alexas 3rd b day. Cant believe i havent seen her since she was one. Then the day she left, early Dec.
    This life will never stop beating and battering us, but one day, our little girls will bring us home.
    With Love,
    Darlene Alexa’s Mommy Forever

    • MomMinus1 says:

      Thank you for what you wrote, Darlene. I just have to believe that we will see our girls again one day….without pain, sadness or cancer. I know your heart is broken from missing your precious Alexa. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, too.

  3. Jennifer Sewell says:

    Amber,

    I am so broken as I read your post. You know I love you & am so sorry your precious Kayla is gone. I just watched the Rick Warren interview & am reminded of the Hope we have in Christ. I know you have that hope because you have not given up. You choose with God’s help to move forward & honor Kayla’s life with your actions. Hugs to you my friend. I will be praying for you as you face this 3rd anniversary.

    Love, Jennifer

    • MomMinus1 says:

      Jennifer…thank you for your kind words. You are right; I have chosen God’s help to keep going and keeping Kayla’s memory alive. Without Him, I would be nothing. I am very thankful for your friendship and for your understanding.

  4. tersiaburger says:

    What a horrific memory. I too relive my precious child’s dying days. Reliving her life slipping away. Tomorrow I will light a candle for your precious Kayla.

    • MomMinus1 says:

      Thank you for commenting, Tersia. And, thank you for being so thoughtful to light a candle for my daughter. I am very thankful for mother’s like yourself. But, my heart, also, hurts for you as you continue to grieve the loss of your own child. I’ll be praying for you, too.

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