If I could hear from Kayla just one more time, I believe the emptiness in my heart would be filled again. But, because my wish is impossible, I have created a letter from her written to me. No; I really don’t know exactly what she would say. So, I put things in the letter that I would need and want to know. For those that think my imaginary letter is strange, please do not bother reading………………. A mother’s concern for her children never stops or fades away; even when the child has passed away………………….
I know that September 22 is approaching quickly. And, I realize how difficult it is for you to accept the fact that it’s been almost 2 years since the last time you saw me. Please know that I am always with you. But, because you cannot see me with your eyes, I thought maybe you could see me through my words. Let me begin with how I am doing; there is not a word that can describe how I feel in Heaven. I am never sad, lonely, angry, hungry, tired or sick. What a wonderful feeling it is to be set free from sadness, fatigue, stress and, most of all…..cancer. I know how much you worry, but, please don’t dwell over wondering if I’m okay; I am better than okay. I am overjoyed, happy and truly at peace in my eternal home. As much as I miss you, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
All is perfect here in Heaven; colors are more colorful, light is so much brighter and the temperature is always comfortable. And, the streets are really made of gold! I wish you could see it for yourself. And, you will one day.
I spend a lot of my time getting to know my family that passed away before I did. My great-grandparents, great-great-grandparents, and others tell the most interesting and fascinating stories about themselves and family members. I’ve probably learned the most from Granny including how to sew!! I just can’t wait for you to meet everyone! I saw your friend Stacy the other day and she said to tell you “hello.” Do you remember my 2nd grade teacher Mrs. Lyons? She passed away several years ago. I saw her and we had the nicest visit. What a wonderful teacher she was. I was so happy to see Uncle Jerry enter the gates of Heaven just a few months ago. He is so happy and relieved to be released from the chains of cancer.
I can’t believe how much Allison and Ashley have grown. I’ve noticed how Allison’s hair continues to turn red; it is absolutely beautiful. She has become a beautiful young lady and I am very proud of her. I know she always looked to me for guidance and answers as her oldest sister. Please tell her to not be afraid to take chances. Encourage her to never give up. She will achieve her goals and succeed in life.
Ashley is growing up so fast. She is so smart, funny and beautiful. She will do wonderful things with her life. Do you remember when she asked you the other day if you recalled bringing me cookies on the morning of my birthday a few years ago? I know you don’t remember that day and it really bothered you that you just could not see that day in your mind. But, Ashley remembers it. I promise you that she has concrete memories of me. Please don’t worry; she will never forget me.
Madre……When I look at you, I see so many changes; your pretty red hair has many gray strands now. I can see more lines on your face, too. I’m sure this is the result of stress, sadness, grief and time. There are times when I do see you smile. But, behind that grin is my mother feeling as if she has a piece of her heart missing and nothing will ever be the same again. Well, you are right; things are not the same anymore. Your life has completely changed. But, you have a purpose in life due to these changes. You were always supposed to be our mother and you still have to keep going for Allison and Ashley. But, you also have another purpose. And, that is to keep writing. You started writing a book about my story several months ago. It is time for you to finish it. There are people that want and need to read it. Continue to reach out to the mother’s that have lost a child to cancer. Do you remember how alone you felt after I passed away? Everyday there is a mom somewhere that has a child who is healthy one minute and in a blink of an eye loses their battle with cancer the next minute. End your procrastination today and keep sharing your grief, pain, anger, and sadness. Encourage them that they will have good days and it’s perfectly fine to be happy. Please pray for these courageous women, too. It is up to mom’s like you to speak up and tell the world that the color for childhood cancer is GOLD and NOT PINK!! There are not nearly enough people that know September is childhood cancer awareness month, as well. You can do this! I have a lot of faith in you, Mom.
I know that one of your biggest questions is, “Why?” We are each born into this world with a certain number of days to live on earth. Some are only meant to be here for a few moments after they are born. And, some will live to be over 100-years-old. But, there are certain people chosen by God Himself to live their lives on earth briefly and for a specific purpose. That purpose may never be known or understood by their loved ones until they meet again eternally. Do you remember when a friend once said to you, “There are many answers you have received, but, have not heard?” You have actually seen some of the answers about my passing for yourself, but, you simply choose not to acknowledge them. Please open your eyes and listen carefully and you will begin to understand and see what blessings have come from my death. I can tell you for sure that God called me home on September 22, 2010 for very specific reasons. I know you beat yourself up for some poor decision making in your life. But, in no way whatsoever was my death a punishment to you. I understand that it feels like that, but, please trust me when I tell you that it was all part of God’s plan. There have been many blessings that are a result of my passing. Ultimately, all of the reasons will be revealed when we meet again in Heaven.
I love you, Madre……I’ll be waiting for you when it’s your time to come home…….
I am the orange butterfly that visits you……..
I am the penny Nana always finds on the street…….
I am the cool breeze that you suddenly feel on a warm day……..
I am the rain that appears on a sunny day…………..
I am the redheaded girl that seems to appear out of nowhere when you are having a bad day of missing me…….
It is really me when you hear certain songs on the radio…….
And, when you look at the clock at that specific time of day that you told me about in the hospital, it is really me reminding you that I love you, too…………………..