One Moment In Time

Kayla and I taking pictures in a photo booth. One of my favorite moments with her.

One of my favorite songs by Whitney Houston is, “One Moment In Time.”  She may have had big problems, major issues and been a bit off of her rocker, but, what a beautiful voice she had.  I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but, sometimes, if I am ever alone in my car and I hear one of her songs playing on the radio, I’ll look around and make sure that no one is looking at me.  At that time, I will then attempt to sing my best Whitney Houston impression that I can possibly achieve…….Okay, come on, you know you do this, too…..Ha!  Thankfully, I am by myself when I try to sing one of her songs.  My sister got all of the vocal talent in the family.  And, well….I just didn’t..Ha!

I do believe that all of us have our selected moments in time here on earth.  And, if you really think about it, the time we have here to be alive and breathing is really not that long at all.  If we live healthy, safe and happy lives, it is possible for many of us to live into our 80’s or 90’s. There are some that can even live to 100, as well!.  And, if we are fortunate enough to make it into our elder years, many of us may die in our sleep and pass away peacefully from old age and with no pain or suffering whatsoever.  But, no matter what age we are when God calls us home, we each have our own moment in time.  I remember my grandmother telling me about one of her sisters who at the young age of 5, fell into a fire and was burned to death.  I can’t remember her sister’s name.  But, this little girl, also, had her moment in time.  She was a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter…..and my great-aunt that I never knew.  I think about how her parents, my great-grandparents, must have felt when this tragic event happened to their young daughter.  I, especially, wonder about my great-grandmother.  Did she cry every time she had a private moment to herself and no one was looking?  Did she have to put on a happy face for her family and friends, even if she was ripped apart inside, so they would think she was okay?  Did she continuously question God and ask Him, “Why did this happen to my daughter?”  My guess is that she did have the same feelings that I have and endure each and everyday about losing Kayla.  But, that is a moment in time that is now gone forever.

One of the most difficult parts of my personal grief is that Kayla’s moment in time keeps slipping further and further away from me and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  It’s been over 18 months since she died and I just don’t want to let go of my last moments or my life with her.   Like most mother’s, I usually will describe certain actions or events in my life by saying that something happened, “before or after I had children.”  I’m sure every mom can relate to this.  But, now, most everything in my life is described as, “before and after Kayla’s death.”  For example; if Allison or Ashley asks me, “Mom, do you remember when…..?”  At that moment, I will begin to think and I usually will ask myself, “Well, did this happen before or after Kayla died?”  No mother should ever have to ask a question like that.  Unfortunately, as childhood cancer rates continue to rise, there are more and more mom’s in the world that share this same unfortunate and tragic position.

Each one of us should cherish our few and precious moments in time with our children, family, parents, siblings, grandparents, and friends.  Time really does fly.  And, none of us knows for sure when our moment in time will be over.

I guess I’ve never really listened to the lyrics of this song, “One Moment In Time,” until today.  You could probably interpret it in many different ways.  But, the chorus really makes me think of Kayla and what she may have been thinking as she passed away and entered into the gates of Heaven……….

“One Moment In Time” chorus:

Give me one moment in time
When I’m more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I’m racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will be
I will be
I will be free
I will be
I will be free………

Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity……..

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About MomMinus1

Welcome to my blog, momminus1 (mom minus one). I am a mother of three beautiful girls, Kayla 17, Allison 13 and Ashley 5. One of my daughters recently became an angel; Kayla passed away on September 22, 2010 due to complications from AML leukemia. She was diagnosed on July 3, 2010. She endured harsh chemotherapy treatments, hair loss, rare and painful skin disorders, horrible stomach infections, weakness, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and fear. From the time she was diagnosed until the day she died it was just 81 days..... A short, but, horrific battle with cancer. I am always asked, "How are you doing? What can I do for you? How are your two girls doing?" At times, these are tough questions to answer. And, I express myself best when I write. Writing is so helpful and therapeutic for me. Maybe I can answer these questions for those that are concerned about us. Maybe I can help another mom that might wake up tomorrow and find out that their child is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe there is a mom somewhere, like me, that just lost a child to cancer and is searching the web for answers. She might be thinking, "Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through?" I understand. I am grieving. I am in pain. I have a big piece of my heart that is now gone.....I would love your feedback about my blog, too. Thanks for reading!
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11 Responses to One Moment In Time

  1. Susan B says:

    Oh, Bravo, Bravo, so well said MomMinus1, you have written a beautiful post dedicated to the memory of your daughter that will touch all of us who have loved and lost. I’m going to reblog this post.

  2. Susan B says:

    Reblogged this on Head in my Hands and commented:
    Well done.

  3. judy says:

    as usual you wrote a beautiful and moving tribute to kayla. you are a wonderful mother and a very caring person. im so glad you are my niece!! i love you all…..

  4. Cyndi Amerson says:

    We only have a moment in time is right, then the rest of our moments and eternity is in Heaven. I loved what you wrote, and you sent it out on my b-day, so that is confirmation enough for me. You will never have to let those moments go with Kayla, they will always be with you no matter what, they will never leave, nor her spirit, she walks with you each day.

  5. Jennifer says:

    I am blessed to have you as part of my life. You inspire me to be a better Mom, to never take these moments with our children for granted. I can’t imagine how hard it is to miss your precious daughter with every breath, but I do know the pain of loss and measuring your life from that point of losing the ones you love. My heart aches for you, & your family. Please know I am here and will continue praying for you. I do remember that desperation of time passing and not wanting time to keep going as I didn’t want my boys to be forgotten. Honestly too, the more time went and SLOWLY I healed, that hurt as well, because I didn’t want to heal. I thought surely I should be in the depths of grief forever. Grief is such a twisted journey. Again, you truly are a blessing to me & I thank you for taking care of Lawson for me!!!! You are my angel!! I am so glad you have the strength to put your smile on for us each week!! Hugs to you.

  6. Janell Sponburgh says:

    A beautiful tribute! It reminds me to never take one moment of my time for granted with my girls or my family. This helps me to strive to be a better Mom and to treasure every moment with my girls!!!!

  7. Marianne volpert says:

    Keep it up. Your sharing helps us all.

  8. I agree! I feel those special moments slipping away, but if we continue to speak and share them, they will always be present! 🙂

  9. Hello. I just stumbled onto your blog and would love to chat with you. We lost our 9-year-old daughter to AML on March 26, just six days after she was diagnosed. We are struggling to say the least.

  10. Thank you for your blog. I just lost my son after an 8 month battle with osteosarcoma. He died April 9 at the age of 14. Some days are absolutely unbearable. Thank you for following your heart and posting your thoughts on your blog. Reading your words helps my aching soul. I have 3 children as well, two daughter aged 19 and 20 and Doug is my youngest. I shared your Feb posting on my facebook wall. I appreciated you sharing your daughter’s writing as I know my own daughters can relate to her feelings.

    • MomMinus1 says:

      Dear Robin……Thank you so much for your comments about my blog. I know you are dealing with a type of pain that is completely overwhelming; there are some days when you feel like you cannot breathe. My heart aches for you right now as you are missing your son. I’m so sorry that you have had to experience the loss of your child. Please remember you are not alone. I would have given anything to have had just one mom reach out to me when Kayla died and said, “I, also, lost my child to cancer. I understand your pain. You are not alone.” Please feel free to contact me anytime. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, especially, today on Mother’s Day.

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