Dear Cancer…

Dear Cancer,

I would like to take a few moments and introduce myself.     I am a blessed mother of three beautiful daughters.  You may remember my oldest daughter, Kayla.  In 2010, you chose her as another childhood cancer victim.

I do realize that you are extremely busy and most likely preoccupied with an aggressive search to invade another child.  But, you have been consistently on my mind for months and I knew it was time for me to contact you and share my thoughts and feelings regarding your destruction to thousands of children and their families, including mine.

Ruthless, cruel, wicked, merciless, damaging, deceptive, heartbreaking; these are just some of the words that I can think of to describe you.  You made the very selfish and callous decision to choose my beautiful daughter to be diagnosed with leukemia and then to die from its complications.  Did you ever think about Kayla’s thoughts, feelings, life goals, family, or her future while you were attacking her immune system?  However, there is no reason to  respond; I already know the answer to that question.

Since you decided to give Kayla this horrible illness, I thought you might want to learn a little bit about her.  She was intelligent, loving, strong-willed, determined and beautiful inside and out.  Not even her hair loss from chemotherapy changed her beauty.  If anything, her crystal blue eyes became more prominent and captivating when she had no hair.  She was also was the oldest sibling to Allison and Ashley who admired and loved their sister dearly.  She was the first grandchild of my parents, the first niece of my sister and my first-born.  Her grades were exceptional and the sky would have been the limit for her education and future.  And, the one thing that she wanted more than anything was just to turn 18-years-old.  However, you walked into her life at the tender age of 17 and destroyed her chance of ever becoming an adult and ruined any other future accomplishments she could have made with her life.  Why was it Kayla?

Kayla and I were just beginning to reach a better place with our mother-daughter relationship when you entered our lives.  And, we did have our share of parent/teen arguments and heated discussions.  But, I always knew where I stood with her and where she was coming from.  I never had to guess with Kayla because she would tell me exactly how she felt and it didn’t matter if I liked it or not.  I know that most parents would not tolerate any type of disrespect such as this.  But, now that she’s gone, I’m so glad that I allowed  her to say whatever was on her mind.  I now embrace the many memories of her stubbornness and determination to be heard.  I can actually feel her push me to write this letter to you.  I can almost hear Kayla say one of her many catch phrases , “This is just nonsense.”

Strategically, you slipped into Kayla’s bloodstream.  Maliciously, you ceased her ability to fight back.  Silently, you ended her life.  You accomplished your brutal and destructive goal with my daughter.  However, there are some things that you can never take away from me; my memories and my love for Kayla and the fact that she will always be a sister, granddaughter, and my daughter.

In closing, I hope that you will find this letter as an accurate explanation of my hostility and resentment toward you.  I want you to know that I will continue on with my life as I reluctantly pull myself out of bed each day; I am reminded daily that Kayla died from cancer before my feet even touch the floor every single morning.  It’s so painful, but, I have to keep going for my kids.

I will continue to pray that your ability to attack our precious children will, one day, be nonexistent.  I will, also, be praying for your next childhood cancer victim; somewhere, there is another child laughing, playing and enjoying life and then in the blink of an eye, they are facing the sliding doors of an entrance to a children’s hospital, scared to death and looking over at their mother and asking, “When can we go home?” I will, also, pray for the families that are forced to witness their children suffer and die due to this horrific affliction.  These families need prayer, guidance, peace, an answer….and for you to lose your strength and power.

Please do not bother to respond to this letter.  Your words mean nothing to me, your presence is unwanted, and you will never be missed.

Sincerely,

Amber

P.S.  Don’t even think about getting anywhere near Allison and Ashley.

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About MomMinus1

Welcome to my blog, momminus1 (mom minus one). I am a mother of three beautiful girls, Kayla 17, Allison 13 and Ashley 5. One of my daughters recently became an angel; Kayla passed away on September 22, 2010 due to complications from AML leukemia. She was diagnosed on July 3, 2010. She endured harsh chemotherapy treatments, hair loss, rare and painful skin disorders, horrible stomach infections, weakness, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and fear. From the time she was diagnosed until the day she died it was just 81 days..... A short, but, horrific battle with cancer. I am always asked, "How are you doing? What can I do for you? How are your two girls doing?" At times, these are tough questions to answer. And, I express myself best when I write. Writing is so helpful and therapeutic for me. Maybe I can answer these questions for those that are concerned about us. Maybe I can help another mom that might wake up tomorrow and find out that their child is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe there is a mom somewhere, like me, that just lost a child to cancer and is searching the web for answers. She might be thinking, "Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through?" I understand. I am grieving. I am in pain. I have a big piece of my heart that is now gone.....I would love your feedback about my blog, too. Thanks for reading!
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7 Responses to Dear Cancer…

  1. judy says:

    i so wish your beautiful words could make the terrible cancer go away. you write so beautifully and you can tell it comes straight from your heart! writing must be helpful to you. you know i love you and pray for you so hang in there kiddo!!!

  2. Lisa Dittman says:

    You are beautiful…keep living, and inspiring others to as well!
    Lisa

  3. sally beechner says:

    Well said, Amber. To ignore the disease would be to deny it. To confront it brings freedom – from its power, from its grasp on our souls, and from the daughter who is now released from it. You will go on and fight other fights, but none as important as this one. You looked in the dark hole of sickness, disease, and a dying world, and you gave it a black eye! Kayla would be proud of you, as I am.

  4. Lisa M. Evans says:

    I think of you all the time Amber. Hoping that your pain will some day ease, and that you will find comfort. I find it difficult to write because I can’t imagine that a few little words help any. Just know that you will always have a special place in my heart and I do hope we have the chance to visit again one day. Stay strong, you are the strongest woman I know! Hugs & love, Lisa

  5. Kayla was my best friend in 5th grade. I don’t know if you remember me but I was always with her. The 5th grade pool party was one of the moments I most remember. Me and her in the back seat of the car you were driving, singing to the radio. Then the days i spent at her dad’s house. I kills me because I dropped out of school and lost communication with everyone, I did not know she was sick until the day she was gone. It makes me feel like a horrible person because I could have been there for her, I could have supported her. On her birthday I cried and cried forever.. I can only imagine what you went through and what your still going through. I loved Kayla and I still really do.

  6. Misty says:

    I know this post was awhile ago. But I found your blog today, and have been reading from the very beginning.
    You have such powerful words. I admire your strength. Every morning when your feet hit the floor, be gentle. Kayla would not want the fear & pain she no longer feels, to live inside you. May your family bloom into wonderful, memorable, & admirable people. I can already tell that you are. 🙂

    • MomMinus1 says:

      Misty…..Thank you so much for responding to my blog. I am so grateful that you took the time to read it from the beginning. Your kind words give me great encouragement. Thank you for reading and I hope you will continue.

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