I Didn’t Know……..

I didn’t Know……
the reason you were always tired was because you were so sick.
it was going to be so much more than a blood transfusion.
I would be in denial about your illness.

I didn’t know…….
You would be on so much medication.
chemo was so cruel.
you weren’t coming home.

I didn’t know………
December 25, 2009 would be our last Christmas with you.
your 17th birthday would be the last one we would celebrate with you there.
September 22, 2010 would be my last day with you.

I didn’t know………
I would be with you the day you died just like the day you were born.
my life would be defined as before and after you died.
you weren’t going to survive.

I didn’t know………
certain songs, grocery store shopping, and seeing little red-headed girls would make me cry.
your mail would still arrive even though you aren’t here to open it.
it would hurt so bad.

I didn’t know………
your birthday would be the hardest day to get through.
graduation signs congratulating seniors were going to be so painful to look at.
I would receive your high school diploma for you without you there.

I didn’t know………
I would miss our mother-daughter arguments.
your sisters were going to grow up without their oldest sibling to guide them.
I wasn’t going to see you get married and have children one day.

I didn’t know………
I would worry about forgetting what your laugh sounded like.
I would talk to you when I look at your pictures.
I would hold onto every single memory of you that I possibly could.

I didn’t know………
when I would see an orange butterfly, I would think it is really you.
I would still find strands of your red hair around the house.
the only way I could see you anymore was in my dreams.

I didn’t know………
the world would keep going even though you’re not here.
I would have to go on with my life without you.
you would die before me.


About MomMinus1

Welcome to my blog, momminus1 (mom minus one). I am a mother of three beautiful girls, Kayla 17, Allison 13 and Ashley 5. One of my daughters recently became an angel; Kayla passed away on September 22, 2010 due to complications from AML leukemia. She was diagnosed on July 3, 2010. She endured harsh chemotherapy treatments, hair loss, rare and painful skin disorders, horrible stomach infections, weakness, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and fear. From the time she was diagnosed until the day she died it was just 81 days..... A short, but, horrific battle with cancer. I am always asked, "How are you doing? What can I do for you? How are your two girls doing?" At times, these are tough questions to answer. And, I express myself best when I write. Writing is so helpful and therapeutic for me. Maybe I can answer these questions for those that are concerned about us. Maybe I can help another mom that might wake up tomorrow and find out that their child is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe there is a mom somewhere, like me, that just lost a child to cancer and is searching the web for answers. She might be thinking, "Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through?" I understand. I am grieving. I am in pain. I have a big piece of my heart that is now gone.....I would love your feedback about my blog, too. Thanks for reading!
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9 Responses to I Didn’t Know……..

  1. Janell Sponburgh says:

    Amber – This picture of Kayla is very beautiful. What a wonderful smile that lights up her eyes. It is so true that there are so many things that we “don’t know” that we will go through that we cannot imagine how we will react or feel until something happens. The only true thing we can count on in this life, is we have God to lean on and sometimes He is the only thing that will get us through.

    • judy says:

      amber, i just dont know what to say. the lady before me said it so beautifully. we dont know but god knows and he loves us. just keep hanging on to him and he will get you through. i love you!

  2. Marianne Volpert says:

    Keep it up. Beautiful words for you to share with us.

    Spent the afternoon at a funeral of an 81 year old friend who died of cancer this week. He had a full life and was ready for it to be over. That doesn’t stop the pain of loss for those who loved him and will miss his teachings.

  3. Lisa Beeman says:

    So very heartbreaking but beautiful words. I have two girls and cannot imagine your pain or your strength. May God continue to strengthen you and guide you daily.

  4. David Meredith says:

    It has taken me some time to respond to this post. It may be the single most powerful piece of writing I have ever read. It is beautiful yet heartbreaking, but more so, it leaves me with is a very vivid picture of the pain you experience every day, hour, and second. Your courage to keep going is so powerful that we should all take notice and grow from it. I admire you for standing in there and being the mother, daughter, and the friend you need to be in the face of such a life altering event. Congratulations on being the admirable person this unfortunate situation has forced you to be.

    For what it’s worth, you are truly a hero.

  5. Norma Navarro says:

    I want to thank you for words that expresses all the emotions I am going through. We loss our son on September 27, 2011 to colon cancer. Our son was 31 years young. I find the pain of losing him at times overwhelming and your poem put that pain into words. Your blog has been by far the most helpful to get through this situation (if one ever does). I too hold on to my other 3 sons and count my blessings. Thank you for your courage, and thank you for giving me the courage to go on, one day at a time.

    • MomMinus1 says:

      Dear Norma,

      I’m so glad that you found my blog and reached out to me. But, I am so sorry for the loss of your son, your overwhelming pain and anguish, and having to accept the empty place in your heart. Losing a child to cancer is almost indescribable to others; it’s such a devastating place that no one wants to be a part of it. Please know that I am here anytime you would like to talk. I’ve been very busy lately and have not had a lot of time to devote to my blog. And, I plan on working on it again soon. It is due to mother’s like yourself that, actually, give me the strength and courage to continue writing. Thank you so much for your response. You are in my prayers.

  6. Mandi Sutton says:


    I’m not exactly sure how I came across your blog, but I wanted to say thank you! Your words, perfectly spell out my thoughts, feelings and emotions. My Brooklynn passed away November 8, 2012, from AML at the tender age of 2.


    • MomMinus1 says:

      Mandi….My heart is hurting so much for you right now. I wish I could do something to ease your pain. I prayed for you as soon as I read your comment to me and will continue to do so. Please know that I am so grateful that you found my blog and I appreciate your comments. You will find that your love for Brooklynn will only get stronger. You will learn to find your strength through her. I don’t understand why cancer took our girls. And, there are so many mother’s like us out there. You are never alone. Please feel free to contact me anytime.

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