Aftershock

The recent earthquake and tsunami in Japan was one of the most devastating and horrific events I have ever seen in my life.  And, I was only watching it from my T.V.  I can’t imagine what it was like to have actually been there and witnessed this for myself.  When I imagine putting myself there during this disaster, I can only think about the panic and fear I would have had in order to save my children.  After hearing the word, “aftershock” over and over several times in the news, I came to the realization of a similarity…..the grief and pain I now have from losing Kayla can be best described by using the word “aftershock.” The announcement of “your child has cancer” is like when an earthquake begins and all of your surroundings begin to shake uncontrollably.  Chemotherapy, horrific side effects and admittance into ICU are similar to the things that are falling off of the walls and shelves during an earthquake and you immediately grab your children to protect them from a devastation; you can see that everything is going to fall apart on your child and there is nothing you can do about it other than bracing yourself and pray.  A tsunami is similar to the death of a child from cancer; enormous and massive tidal waves quickly approach and wash them away never to be seen again.  Aftershock is experienced after the death of your child.  It will happen anywhere and at anytime.  It will happen when you hear a certain song on the radio, when you see your child’s favorite food at the grocery store, and even when you see little red-headed girls.  There is a moment of pain…shock…that you can feel way deep down inside of your stomach….this aftershock is your body’s way of processing a tragedy and it comes in unexpected waves.  I probably have the worst aftershocks when I’m by myself and have too much time to think.  In my head, I replay the last few days of Kayla’s life and the moment she died each and everyday.  And, it’s been 6 months and 2 days since she passed and it just doesn’t get any easier……I have one of Kayla’s favorite bible verses taped to my desk where I can see it at all times.  When I am hurting and grieving, I read this verse to help me get through my moment of aftershock:  Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

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About MomMinus1

Welcome to my blog, momminus1 (mom minus one). I am a mother of three beautiful girls, Kayla 17, Allison 13 and Ashley 5. One of my daughters recently became an angel; Kayla passed away on September 22, 2010 due to complications from AML leukemia. She was diagnosed on July 3, 2010. She endured harsh chemotherapy treatments, hair loss, rare and painful skin disorders, horrible stomach infections, weakness, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and fear. From the time she was diagnosed until the day she died it was just 81 days..... A short, but, horrific battle with cancer. I am always asked, "How are you doing? What can I do for you? How are your two girls doing?" At times, these are tough questions to answer. And, I express myself best when I write. Writing is so helpful and therapeutic for me. Maybe I can answer these questions for those that are concerned about us. Maybe I can help another mom that might wake up tomorrow and find out that their child is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe there is a mom somewhere, like me, that just lost a child to cancer and is searching the web for answers. She might be thinking, "Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through?" I understand. I am grieving. I am in pain. I have a big piece of my heart that is now gone.....I would love your feedback about my blog, too. Thanks for reading!
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4 Responses to Aftershock

  1. judy says:

    my heart hurts when i read what you write and i want to cry again, for you and for kayla. even though i didnt get to see her often, she was my first great niece and i love her so much. i still remember her in the car when we wouldnt answer her so she answered herself. she was so cute!!! hang in there, i know she would want you to.and know i love you and the girls….

  2. Teresa says:

    You’re talent and passion for writing continues to amaze me! I don’t know if Kayla knew that you had this talent, but I know she is so very proud of you. Continue to seek God and He will comfort you and love you through all of this. I know you’ve been so very busy lately, but just don’t forget I’m here for you. I love you!

  3. David Meredith says:

    Painful yet beautiful, sweet yet tragic, your posts are inspiring. Your analogy really brings home what it must feel like to have a loss of this magnitude. “Trigger objects” sending aftershocks of gut-wrenching emotion is a pain some of us can only imagine, but for you, is an every day occurrence. Kayla’s favorite verse is beautiful and also comforting. She knew the Lord and He brought her home when He was ready. This fact alone helps me cope, and I hope it helps you as well. Stay strong and keep channeling your pain through your writing, it helps us all.

  4. Lisa M. Evans says:

    Amber, I can’t help but feel a bit of anger. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but when I read your blogs and I see how much you are still hurting, and I care about you and your feelings so much, it leaves me feeling angry that Kayla was taken away from you so early in life. I want the hurting to stop for you, you don’t deserve to feel this way. I am sending you hugs, love, strength and all good things. Do take care and wishing you all the best in your second chance with your husband and in your studies. Love, Lisa

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