Second Chances

It’s been a while since I have written anything for my blog.  I guess it’s just another phase of grief I am dealing with.  I have felt myself becoming numb to the pain of losing Kayla.  I don’t like feeling like this.  This numbness is causing me to not want to write, cry or even visit Kayla’s grave site.  It feels like I just can’t make myself go to these places right now…..writing, crying, or going to the cemetery.  And, along with these feelings, I have a lot of guilt for feeling numb.  Maybe I should be on the floor crying uncontrollably or lying in bed all day and night.  However, when I have these thoughts, thankfully, I immediately think about my kids…..including Kayla.  They would not want to see me hysterical or witness me allowing my emotions to get out of control.  I think they are comfortable to see me sad, but, I also want them to know that even though we are devastated over Kayla’s death, we can get through this.  And, I know I will cry again, I am writing right now and I will get to the cemetery soon.

I went to the dentist the other day to have my teeth cleaned.  I am embarrassed to say this, but, it had been a while since I had been there.  Therefore, the dental hygienist really had to do some detailed and very painful cleaning.  My eyes were watering and I cringed every time she was a little tough on my gums.  While I was lying in the dental chair, I began thinking about Kayla.  I told myself, “Kayla suffered and endured pain and sickness like I have never felt before.  I am completely out of line to complain about the little bit of pain from having my teeth cleaned.”  Once I realized this, I felt less anxious and it was over before I knew it.

Second chances…..I’ve thought a lot lately about second chances and what they mean.  All of us can have a second chance at just about anything we want to……If your marriage falls apart and you go your separate ways, you do have a second chance to move on and hopefully find someone else or do something different with your life.  I am thankful for the second or, rather, another chance with Ashley’s father, whom I love dearly and happy that we are working on our relationship together……You can have a second chance if you drop out of school and decide to go back and finish your degree, which is exactly what I am doing right now.  I recently enrolled at Liberty University and I am working on my bachelor’s degree in psychology and, eventually, my master’s degree in counseling……If you apply for a job and you don’t get that position you are wanting, you can have a second chance to seek employment elsewhere…..There are so many opportunities for second chances in life.  But, there aren’t any for the death of a loved one.  There are so many times when I hear something interesting or see something funny and I reach for the phone to call Kayla and tell her.  And, then I realize she won’t be on the other end of that phone call.  If I just had a second chance or just one more moment with my daughter and tell her how much I love her, I think the pain of losing her would be so much easier to deal with.  But, since that is not possible, I just use my imagination and think about what it would be like if she was here with me for just a few minutes.  In my mind, I can see her beautiful long red hair, her crystal blue eyes and her adorable smile.  She says to me something like, “Mom…I know you love me.  I know you miss me.  But, I am happy and I am not in pain anymore.  I’ll be here waiting for you when it’s your time to go.  Please take care of Allison and Ashley.  I love you.”

Every once in a while, I will see something lying around the house that belonged to Kayla and it usually makes me sad.  However, I have decided to take a new approach when I find something of hers; I look at it like she is just saying “hello” and that she is still here with me.  The other day, I decided to clean off the top of my kitchen cabinets.  It had been so long since I had looked up there and I was afraid of what I might find….bugs, spiders….I din’t find any creatures, but, I did find a lot of dust…..and a mother’s day card from Kayla.  Now, why was it on top of the cabinets under a pile of dust?  I don’t know.  It was a hand-made card from her where she had folded a piece of paper a few times and used crayons to say, “Happy Mother’s Day.  I love you.”  The best part about this card is that it wasn’t created by her as a small child.  This was done within the last couple of years.  I knew this because of her mature hand writing.  That card is now on my fire place mantel and I can look at it any time I want to.  I realized that there has been a mother’s day within the last few years where Kayla gave me that card.  I wish I could remember which one.  Somehow, it ended up in a place that I never go to.  That card gave me my second chance with Kayla.

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About MomMinus1

Welcome to my blog, momminus1 (mom minus one). I am a mother of three beautiful girls, Kayla 17, Allison 13 and Ashley 5. One of my daughters recently became an angel; Kayla passed away on September 22, 2010 due to complications from AML leukemia. She was diagnosed on July 3, 2010. She endured harsh chemotherapy treatments, hair loss, rare and painful skin disorders, horrible stomach infections, weakness, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and fear. From the time she was diagnosed until the day she died it was just 81 days..... A short, but, horrific battle with cancer. I am always asked, "How are you doing? What can I do for you? How are your two girls doing?" At times, these are tough questions to answer. And, I express myself best when I write. Writing is so helpful and therapeutic for me. Maybe I can answer these questions for those that are concerned about us. Maybe I can help another mom that might wake up tomorrow and find out that their child is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe there is a mom somewhere, like me, that just lost a child to cancer and is searching the web for answers. She might be thinking, "Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through?" I understand. I am grieving. I am in pain. I have a big piece of my heart that is now gone.....I would love your feedback about my blog, too. Thanks for reading!
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One Response to Second Chances

  1. judy says:

    as usual, your writing was beautiful. it makes me happy when you are happy and sad when you are sad. you are moving on some so dont feel guilty about the way you feel.you are right, kayla did love you and there is no doubt that you loved her so try to be happy again. this is your time so take advantage of it. i love you

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