It’s been a while since I have written anything for my blog. I guess it’s just another phase of grief I am dealing with. I have felt myself becoming numb to the pain of losing Kayla. I don’t like feeling like this. This numbness is causing me to not want to write, cry or even visit Kayla’s grave site. It feels like I just can’t make myself go to these places right now…..writing, crying, or going to the cemetery. And, along with these feelings, I have a lot of guilt for feeling numb. Maybe I should be on the floor crying uncontrollably or lying in bed all day and night. However, when I have these thoughts, thankfully, I immediately think about my kids…..including Kayla. They would not want to see me hysterical or witness me allowing my emotions to get out of control. I think they are comfortable to see me sad, but, I also want them to know that even though we are devastated over Kayla’s death, we can get through this. And, I know I will cry again, I am writing right now and I will get to the cemetery soon.
I went to the dentist the other day to have my teeth cleaned. I am embarrassed to say this, but, it had been a while since I had been there. Therefore, the dental hygienist really had to do some detailed and very painful cleaning. My eyes were watering and I cringed every time she was a little tough on my gums. While I was lying in the dental chair, I began thinking about Kayla. I told myself, “Kayla suffered and endured pain and sickness like I have never felt before. I am completely out of line to complain about the little bit of pain from having my teeth cleaned.” Once I realized this, I felt less anxious and it was over before I knew it.
Second chances…..I’ve thought a lot lately about second chances and what they mean. All of us can have a second chance at just about anything we want to……If your marriage falls apart and you go your separate ways, you do have a second chance to move on and hopefully find someone else or do something different with your life. I am thankful for the second or, rather, another chance with Ashley’s father, whom I love dearly and happy that we are working on our relationship together……You can have a second chance if you drop out of school and decide to go back and finish your degree, which is exactly what I am doing right now. I recently enrolled at Liberty University and I am working on my bachelor’s degree in psychology and, eventually, my master’s degree in counseling……If you apply for a job and you don’t get that position you are wanting, you can have a second chance to seek employment elsewhere…..There are so many opportunities for second chances in life. But, there aren’t any for the death of a loved one. There are so many times when I hear something interesting or see something funny and I reach for the phone to call Kayla and tell her. And, then I realize she won’t be on the other end of that phone call. If I just had a second chance or just one more moment with my daughter and tell her how much I love her, I think the pain of losing her would be so much easier to deal with. But, since that is not possible, I just use my imagination and think about what it would be like if she was here with me for just a few minutes. In my mind, I can see her beautiful long red hair, her crystal blue eyes and her adorable smile. She says to me something like, “Mom…I know you love me. I know you miss me. But, I am happy and I am not in pain anymore. I’ll be here waiting for you when it’s your time to go. Please take care of Allison and Ashley. I love you.”
Every once in a while, I will see something lying around the house that belonged to Kayla and it usually makes me sad. However, I have decided to take a new approach when I find something of hers; I look at it like she is just saying “hello” and that she is still here with me. The other day, I decided to clean off the top of my kitchen cabinets. It had been so long since I had looked up there and I was afraid of what I might find….bugs, spiders….I din’t find any creatures, but, I did find a lot of dust…..and a mother’s day card from Kayla. Now, why was it on top of the cabinets under a pile of dust? I don’t know. It was a hand-made card from her where she had folded a piece of paper a few times and used crayons to say, “Happy Mother’s Day. I love you.” The best part about this card is that it wasn’t created by her as a small child. This was done within the last couple of years. I knew this because of her mature hand writing. That card is now on my fire place mantel and I can look at it any time I want to. I realized that there has been a mother’s day within the last few years where Kayla gave me that card. I wish I could remember which one. Somehow, it ended up in a place that I never go to. That card gave me my second chance with Kayla.