Embracing the Pain

At four months pregnant, a mother is now into her 2nd trimester, the dreaded morning sickness should be gone with her energy levels increasing, and a visual baby bump is probably noticeable.  At 4 months gestation, a baby’s fingernails and toenails appear, he/she can suck their thumb and they can develop hiccups.  At four months old, a baby’s milestones are usually when they begin to communicate by saying, “ma-ma” or “da-da,” laughing out loud, grasping a toy and recognizing their parents and siblings…. It was four months ago today that Kayla passed away.  It seems like it has been four years or longer.  Today, the pain is hitting me pretty hard…..almost like she died yesterday.  I don’t know why it’s so hard for me today.  But, I have heard that the pain of grief will come in waves.  Some days I feel like I am just putting my big toe in the water…enough to remind me that she is gone.  Other days, like today, it feels like I am standing in water up to my chin and there are huge tidal waves that continue to wash over me and I barely have time to take a breath until the next wave arrives.  If you looked at me or talked to me right now, I would probably seem just fine on the outside.  But, on the inside I am hurting and devastated.  You know that lump you get in your throat when you are about to cry?  I live with that lump in my throat every day.  It never goes away.  I can function and take care of my kids and myself, but, the pain is always there.  So, I finally realized a different way to handle this horrific pain that I carry with me….embrace it.  All of my life, no matter what negative situation I was in, I tried to fight the pain.  And, most of the time, the pain would just get worse.  If I embrace the pain, somehow, I am able to cope much better.  There is not a need to resist this heart ache I have.  It is a fact that my daughter died of complications from leukemia and there was nothing I could do to save her.  I have to accept this and embrace the pain that comes with it.  I cannot pretend that it didn’t happen because it did happen to my daughter…..When Kayla was in the hospital and thinking about what she wanted from the Make a Wish Foundation, which she never got a chance to receive, she decided for one of her choices it would be a trip to Paris, France.  I asked her, “Why Paris?”  She said, “I don’t know.  I just always wanted to go there.”  When the pain is overwhelming, I will sometimes imagine that she has moved to Paris and having the time of her life.  Picturing her living in a different part of the world does help at times.  But, I accept the reality of it….she’s not in Paris, Atlanta or anywhere on this earth.  She’s in a much better place than where we are right now…..Kayla’s journal entry September 14, 2007, “God has a plan and a purpose for me…”  What is that plan?  What is that purpose?  I wish I knew…..I miss you, Kayla….


About MomMinus1

Welcome to my blog, momminus1 (mom minus one). I am a mother of three beautiful girls, Kayla 17, Allison 13 and Ashley 5. One of my daughters recently became an angel; Kayla passed away on September 22, 2010 due to complications from AML leukemia. She was diagnosed on July 3, 2010. She endured harsh chemotherapy treatments, hair loss, rare and painful skin disorders, horrible stomach infections, weakness, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and fear. From the time she was diagnosed until the day she died it was just 81 days..... A short, but, horrific battle with cancer. I am always asked, "How are you doing? What can I do for you? How are your two girls doing?" At times, these are tough questions to answer. And, I express myself best when I write. Writing is so helpful and therapeutic for me. Maybe I can answer these questions for those that are concerned about us. Maybe I can help another mom that might wake up tomorrow and find out that their child is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe there is a mom somewhere, like me, that just lost a child to cancer and is searching the web for answers. She might be thinking, "Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through?" I understand. I am grieving. I am in pain. I have a big piece of my heart that is now gone.....I would love your feedback about my blog, too. Thanks for reading!
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5 Responses to Embracing the Pain

  1. Diana says:

    The last time Kayla and I talked we pulled up the Disney Cruises, she had just about decided to take a Disney Cruise to Europe. She said that way she could see Paris, go on a cruise, see Disney and go shopping, she said she’d be getting 4 wishes in 1.
    She was a smart girl!
    I really do miss her!

  2. Maddie says:

    That’s always been my dream too…. To go to Paris. One day, when I get the chance to have that dream come true, I will go and remember her… I still pray all the time for you, Allison and everyone else. I love you all so much. God has a plan for you too…remember that!

  3. Teresa says:

    Just imagine the best cruise ever…with God as the captain! Love you, Kayla! Amber, here for ya, girl!

  4. judy says:

    i dont know what to say to you except that i love you and will pray for you every day. amber, you were born to write. please do something in that area. i dont know what it is god has planned for you but i believe you should write. ask Him what He wants you to do about this! i love you

  5. David Meredith says:

    Amber, good post. One of the things that I got out of your writings is that you said “It is a fact that my daughter died of complications from leukemia and there was nothing I could do to save her.” That’s the thing, there was nothing you could do, sometimes there is nothing we can do. That’s the tough part of life, most of the time we control our own destiny, pave our own road, but sometimes, there is nothing we can do. When our ability to control our own lives is taken from us, I believe that a higher power is in control and that’s a good thing. Kayla wrote that she knew God had a plan and purpose for her and she was right. Have peace in knowing that; it can not be a coincidence.

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