Against All Odds

Kayla’s room is just the way she left it….her mini-frig still running filled with her favorite drink, “Propel,”  2 sticks of Trident gum lying next to her T.V. and stacks of her journals….and, oh how I am so grateful for these journals.  Every time I pick one up and read an entry, I learn something new about her.  It is like she continues to communicate with me through her written words.

Inside one of her journals I found a typed list titled, “Kayla’s Life.”  There are 8 songs on the list and next to each one is an explanation as to why these songs were important to her.  Here are some of my favorites:

4.  Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – “I was born on Christmas Eve so every time I hear Christmas songs, I’m reminded of my birthday.”

5.  How Great Thou Art – “My Aunt Cindy sang this song at my great grandmother’s 90th birthday and her funeral.

6.  Against All Odds by Phil Collins – “This song was playing in the operation room when my sister, Ashley, was born……

It is true that this song, Against All Odds, was playing in the O.R. the day I delivered Ashley.  The nurses asked me if I was okay with some music playing during my C-section which was fine with me.  There were many songs playing that day, but, the one that I remember the most was “Against All Odds.”  This song is really about someone losing the love of their life….maybe a spouse or a significant other.  However, it now has a new meaning to me.  When I listen to this song I simply picture my children, my parents, her friends and loved ones and myself having to let go of her.  Here are a few of the lyrics:

“How can you just walk away from me when all I can do is watch you leave?
’cause we shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears.
You’re the only one who really knew me at all.
“So take a look at me now….well, there’s just an empty space.
And, there’s nothing left here to remind me… just the memory of your face.
Take a look at me now, well, there’s just an empty space.
And, you coming back to me is against the odds and that’s what I’ve got to face.”

As a Christian, I do believe that I will see Kayla again one day.  However, the last line of this song says that it is against all odds that she will come back to me.  She may not come back to me.  But, I believe she will be waiting for me when it is my time to leave this world.

During our snow and ice storm last week, I had a lot of time on my hands because we have been stuck inside the house.  I was playing on the computer one day and realized that I can make movies or videos.  So, I created a short video with pictures I have of Kayla.  Please remember that this is not a professional film!  I am an amateur and this is my first time trying it which took me 3 – 4 days to complete.  It might be hard to watch and could make you cry…I think I cried each time I tried to edit the video.  There will be music that will begin about 30 seconds into the video, too (i couldn’t get the timing of the music right to start and end exactly the way I wanted).  I put this video on youtube, also.  You never know….there could be another parent somewhere in the world that just lost a child to cancer and they might need to know that there are other parents that understand their pain by watching this video……..


About MomMinus1

Welcome to my blog, momminus1 (mom minus one). I am a mother of three beautiful girls, Kayla 17, Allison 13 and Ashley 5. One of my daughters recently became an angel; Kayla passed away on September 22, 2010 due to complications from AML leukemia. She was diagnosed on July 3, 2010. She endured harsh chemotherapy treatments, hair loss, rare and painful skin disorders, horrible stomach infections, weakness, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and fear. From the time she was diagnosed until the day she died it was just 81 days..... A short, but, horrific battle with cancer. I am always asked, "How are you doing? What can I do for you? How are your two girls doing?" At times, these are tough questions to answer. And, I express myself best when I write. Writing is so helpful and therapeutic for me. Maybe I can answer these questions for those that are concerned about us. Maybe I can help another mom that might wake up tomorrow and find out that their child is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe there is a mom somewhere, like me, that just lost a child to cancer and is searching the web for answers. She might be thinking, "Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through?" I understand. I am grieving. I am in pain. I have a big piece of my heart that is now gone.....I would love your feedback about my blog, too. Thanks for reading!
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2 Responses to Against All Odds

  1. Madison Barnell says:

    That was exaclty the thing I made for you. I’ll post the link on your facebook.

  2. Sharon Jones says:

    Amber, I am just amazed how blessed you are to have so much from Kayla. What a Gift from God to have her journals and still getting to know her and learn about her even in her absence from you. In Psalms, King David refers to the death of his child and says that the child cannot come back to him but He, King David, will go to the child, one day. That totally refers to our reunions in heaven. No telling what cool journal entries Kayla will have by the time we all get there to see her. I love you and am so proud of your writing and sharing.

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