Letting go of 2010

After the terrible year we have had in 2010, I’m finding myself having a difficult time letting it go.  I feel this way because 2010 was the last year that Kayla lived….and died.  I almost feel guilty for entering into 2011.  This was the year she was supposed to graduate from high school and do so many things with her life.  It’s heartbreaking that she is not here with me on New Year’s Eve.  However, I know Kayla, if she was here she wouldn’t be with her mom on New Year’s Eve.  But, just knowing she was nearby would make me happy.  I just never expected to feel so overwhelmed with grief on the last day of the year.  I should be happy that a new year is approaching at 12:00 a.m. and hope and pray for a much better and happier 12 months.  But, I am so sad to see 2010 go away.  I don’t want to see any fireworks or watch the peach drop in Atlanta at midnight.  It’s 8:30 p.m. right now and I will be in bed by 9 or 9:30 tonight.  I don’t want to say “Happy New Year” or make any new year’s resolutions.  I just want to watch my children grow up to be beautiful, strong women…I want to be a grandmother one day….I want a cure for leukemia…..this is all I want…..

Thank you to everyone that has been there for me while Kayla was sick, when she passed and the long days and nights of sadness that I endure.  I appreciate and love each one of you.  And, I pray for the year 2011……

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About MomMinus1

Welcome to my blog, momminus1 (mom minus one). I am a mother of three beautiful girls, Kayla 17, Allison 13 and Ashley 5. One of my daughters recently became an angel; Kayla passed away on September 22, 2010 due to complications from AML leukemia. She was diagnosed on July 3, 2010. She endured harsh chemotherapy treatments, hair loss, rare and painful skin disorders, horrible stomach infections, weakness, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and fear. From the time she was diagnosed until the day she died it was just 81 days..... A short, but, horrific battle with cancer. I am always asked, "How are you doing? What can I do for you? How are your two girls doing?" At times, these are tough questions to answer. And, I express myself best when I write. Writing is so helpful and therapeutic for me. Maybe I can answer these questions for those that are concerned about us. Maybe I can help another mom that might wake up tomorrow and find out that their child is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe there is a mom somewhere, like me, that just lost a child to cancer and is searching the web for answers. She might be thinking, "Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through?" I understand. I am grieving. I am in pain. I have a big piece of my heart that is now gone.....I would love your feedback about my blog, too. Thanks for reading!
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6 Responses to Letting go of 2010

  1. Marianne Volpert says:

    We are holding your hand. Rest tonight.

  2. judy says:

    amber honey, i nearly cried when i read your last post. this has been a very hard year for you but im hoping and praying this year is so much better. i hope you get a good job, write a book, love your girls, and begin a life of healing. i will always be here for you and do what i can for you and the girls. if loving you can help, the help , then help is on the way……….judy

  3. Madison Barnell says:

    Mrs. Amber, I love you and your daughters so very much and I know you know that. These posts make me cry……every single time. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you all every day. I think about Kayla every day too. When I really sit back and think about her, I wish we would have been closer than we were. I wish we would all be closer than we were, before she passed. You know you have all of us to get you all through this. I’m so happy to hear that you can have good laughs every now-and-then because I know you need them. Today, I saw my mom cry, and I couldn’t help but cry too. They always say, you can’t help but cry when you see your mom cry. And that’s how I feel with you too. On Kayla’s balloon release, I couldn’t help but cry…..even though it seemed like everyone else just sat in silence and starred at Kayla. Looking over to see you have tears in your eyes, made me cry. These are the hardest times in our lives, but we have to remember this is all a part in life. I have no idea the pain you are feeling, but I do know the pain of losing someone you really love. I have felt that with my Grandy and now I have felt it with Kayla. My Grandy had cancer too, but many other issues also and I just want you to know, that we all care so much about you and we hate seeing you go through this, but this is God’s plan and his plan is always the right plan. He has something in store for us all and this is what he wanted for you. No, it wasn’t a good plan in your eyes, but for some reason, we may never know, this was a good plan to him. This isn’t a goodbye to Kayla, it is a “See you soon!” That is the one thing that keeps my heart at peace when I think about when I lost the ones I love………knowing that I will see them again, soon. It isn’t over. “If it’s not ok, then it’s not over.” Right now, we know you’re not ok. Therefor, I’m telling you it’s not over. I can promise you one thing. You will see her in your afterlife in heaven. I know. Have faith in God. He is the one that will guide you. He loves you and so does Kayla. She’s probably thinking we’re all silly for acting the way we do because she’s gone, but she is the only one that understands what you are feeling other than God, himself. So, none of us can tell you how to feel, but we can help guide you. You know my mom is a phone call away and so am I, if Allison or you may ever need it. I love you and your girls so much!!

    By the way, I would totally be willing to babysit some time if you ever want a girls day with my mom 🙂

  4. Allison Jones says:

    Well hey there my short haired momma! (: I just wanted to drop by & say i love you! I know that we have had are arguments, but i still love even though you can get on my nerves! Hahah. Anyways, about your hair… I dont think you should cut it. Well i mean to be honest wth you, you look like a hott momma! Not that you didnt look good before, but you look pretty hott now! hahah! I know this isn’t much, but i figured you might like that i wrote something nice about you! I love you (:

  5. Marianne Volpert says:

    Today is the day that you give those girls a bit of snow down their backs.

  6. Robin Canon says:

    Amber, I can’t imagine what heartache u go through every minute. I’m sure things will never be the same without your sweet Kayla and everyone has their version of the “new” normal. Just know I’m praying from Knoxville and even though I’ve never even met ur family I love u from afar.

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