Thank you to everyone for your sweet and encouraging comments about my new blog!! This is very new to me and I am really learning as I go.
I try to go and visit Kayla at the cemetery at least once a week. I would love to be there everyday, but, that is hard for me to do. So, on Friday, I woke up and decided that this is the day to go. I hate visiting the cemetery by myself. And, this is unusual for me because I am pretty independent and probably like being by myself too much. But, there is something about going to Kayla’s grave that is so difficult for me to do alone. Thankfully, Joel said he would meet me there before he went to work. So, I began getting Ashley ready for school and trying to make Allison get up and get going, too. When I started getting myself ready, I reached into my make-up bag and I looked at the two different types of mascara I had; waterproof and non-waterproof. Knowing that I would probably cry at the cemetery, I decided to use the waterproof mascara. I thought to myself, “I can’t believe I am having to make a choice of which mascara to wear because my daughter is gone and I know I’m going to cry today.” It was a very uncomfortable feeling. I wish it didn’t have to be this way…….After I dropped off Ashley at school, I began my trip to the cemetery which takes about 25 very long minutes. My stomach turns and I get this huge lump in my throat the closer I get to it. When I arrived, Joel was already there. I got out of my car and we walked up the hill to Kayla’s grave. And, just in front of her site was a new grave covered with beautiful fresh flowers. Kayla now has a new neighbor. I don’t know who it was, but, this person was obviously loved very much……I began crying and asking, “Why Kayla? I just don’t understand. I miss her so much.” I’m so thankful Joel was there with me. I didn’t need him to answer these questions because he doesn’t have the answers. No one has the answers except God and Kayla. Just to be comforted was all that I needed…….Several weeks ago, I put a basket of live fall flowers at her grave. Each time I go there, I always bring a jug of water and soak the flowers hoping they will stay alive. But, unfortunately, the flowers had all died…..or, at least I thought they were dead……I picked up the basket to take it home and throw it away. When I turned the basket around, there were 3 purple flowers in full bloom. They were beautiful! This was so meaningful to me because “the color purple” was Kayla’s favorite color. It was as if she was telling me with her stubborn red-headed attitude, “Mom, you know I don’t like the red and yellow flowers, so, I am done with them. Purple is my favorite color and that is the only one that needs to be here.” This thought made me stop crying and actually put a smile on my face 🙂
As we were leaving, we looked across the cemetery and noticed another new grave site. But, this one had two rows of chairs next to it. The funeral was obviously going to be later that day. Standing next to the grave was a man and his young son. The boy was probably 8 or 9. He and his father were holding each other. The young boy was hanging on to a single red rose. I don’t know who they lost, but, I know they are hurting and very sad right now. I prayed for them as I left the cemetery.
We put up the mini-Christmas tree in Ashley’s room last night. There are only a few white lights on it for now. Ashley wants to make some decorations for the tree. Maybe I can talk her into making all the decorations “the color purple.”