The Color Purple

Thank you to everyone for your sweet and encouraging comments about my new blog!! This is very new to me and I am really learning as I go.

I try to go and visit Kayla at the cemetery at least once a week. I would love to be there everyday, but, that is hard for me to do. So, on Friday, I woke up and decided that this is the day to go. I hate visiting the cemetery by myself. And, this is unusual for me because I am pretty independent and probably like being by myself too much. But, there is something about going to Kayla’s grave that is so difficult for me to do alone. Thankfully, Joel said he would meet me there before he went to work. So, I began getting Ashley ready for school and trying to make Allison get up and get going, too.  When I started getting myself ready, I  reached into my make-up bag and I looked at the two different types of mascara I had; waterproof and non-waterproof. Knowing that I would probably cry at the cemetery, I decided to use the waterproof mascara. I thought to myself, “I can’t believe I am having to make a choice of which mascara to wear because my daughter is gone and I know I’m going to cry today.” It was a very uncomfortable feeling. I wish it didn’t have to be this way…….After I dropped off Ashley at school, I began my trip to the cemetery which takes about 25 very long minutes. My stomach turns and I get this huge lump in my throat the closer I get to it. When I arrived, Joel was already there. I got out of my car and we walked up the hill to Kayla’s grave. And, just in front of her site was a new grave covered with beautiful fresh flowers.  Kayla now has a new neighbor.  I don’t know who it was, but, this person was obviously loved very much……I began crying and asking, “Why Kayla?  I just don’t understand.  I miss her so much.”  I’m so thankful Joel was there with me.  I didn’t need him to answer these questions because he doesn’t have the answers.  No one has the answers except God and Kayla.  Just to be comforted was all that I needed…….Several weeks ago, I put a basket of live fall flowers at her grave.  Each time I go there, I always bring a jug of water and soak the flowers hoping they will stay alive.  But, unfortunately, the flowers had all died…..or, at least I thought they were dead……I picked up the basket to take it home and throw it away.  When I turned the basket around, there were 3 purple flowers in full bloom.  They were beautiful!  This was so meaningful to me because “the color purple” was Kayla’s favorite color.  It was as if she was telling me with her stubborn red-headed attitude, “Mom, you know I don’t like the red and yellow flowers, so, I am done with them.  Purple is my favorite color and that is the only one that needs to be here.”  This thought made me stop crying and actually put a smile on my face 🙂

As we were leaving, we looked across the cemetery and noticed another new grave site.  But, this one had two rows of chairs next to it.  The funeral was obviously going to be later that day.  Standing next to the grave was a man and his young son.  The boy was probably 8 or 9.  He and his father were holding each other.  The young boy was hanging on to a single red rose.  I don’t know who they lost, but, I know they are hurting and very sad right now.  I prayed for them as I left the cemetery.

We put up the mini-Christmas tree in Ashley’s room last night.  There are only a few white lights on it for now.  Ashley wants to make some decorations for the tree.  Maybe I can talk her into making all the decorations “the color purple.”

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About MomMinus1

Welcome to my blog, momminus1 (mom minus one). I am a mother of three beautiful girls, Kayla 17, Allison 13 and Ashley 5. One of my daughters recently became an angel; Kayla passed away on September 22, 2010 due to complications from AML leukemia. She was diagnosed on July 3, 2010. She endured harsh chemotherapy treatments, hair loss, rare and painful skin disorders, horrible stomach infections, weakness, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and fear. From the time she was diagnosed until the day she died it was just 81 days..... A short, but, horrific battle with cancer. I am always asked, "How are you doing? What can I do for you? How are your two girls doing?" At times, these are tough questions to answer. And, I express myself best when I write. Writing is so helpful and therapeutic for me. Maybe I can answer these questions for those that are concerned about us. Maybe I can help another mom that might wake up tomorrow and find out that their child is diagnosed with cancer. Maybe there is a mom somewhere, like me, that just lost a child to cancer and is searching the web for answers. She might be thinking, "Is there anyone out there that understands what I'm going through?" I understand. I am grieving. I am in pain. I have a big piece of my heart that is now gone.....I would love your feedback about my blog, too. Thanks for reading!
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6 Responses to The Color Purple

  1. teresa underwood says:

    just beautiful, Amber!

  2. Michelle Jones (odom) says:

    What a beautiful story with regard to the purple flowers. You write very well and give me chill bumps when reading. I have two daughters and can’t imagine the pain you are feeling. I am so sorry for your loss and hope God will find a way to comfort you. God Bless.

    • momminus1 says:

      Hey Michelle!
      Thanks for your nice comments! I’m so glad you like my blog. This is something that no mother wants to go through. Writing has saved me. Thanks so much.

  3. Julie Smith-Hudson says:

    I saw your blog today, brought a little tear to my eye…puts life into perspective. Great movie….The Color Purple. Had a hard day today, looking for work…been MONTHS now. Gets hard to stay motivated but it’s nothing like what you deal with on a daily basis. You know if you can make it each day and actually get up and go to work after 2 months…then yeah…I can deal with ‘another’ rejection letter and keep going. Writing for me too has been a blessing (dealing with some of my past)…not that it was every shared on a blog or public forum but sometimes ‘venting’ (writing) can help heal the soul, even if it is for an ever so brief moment. I admire your strength. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers….keep writing and sharing!! xoxo

    • momminus1 says:

      Hey Julie! Thanks so much for your response! I also agree that writing can help you to heal in just about any situation. It’s something about getting it down on paper that just helps me so much emotionally……I am, also, unemployed, right now and really need to find a job. I know how hard it is to find employment. I have set Jan. 1, 2011 as a goal to really start focusing in on finding a job. I think until I get through Kayla’s birthday on the 24th and Christmas, my head is just going to be in the clouds and unable to concentrate on a job search…..Good luck with your job hunt. Something will work out for you soon. I’ll keep you in my prayers, too…….

  4. Cyndi Amerson says:

    Yes, this was a sign from Kayla when you saw the purple flowers. Smile!

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