It’s been over two months since Kayla passed away. I have been dealing with a type of pain that I have never felt before. This is not even the same type of pain I felt when my grandmother died. Well, she was 92 and lived a very long life. I was so sad when I lost my grandmother. We were very close. But, losing my daughter is almost like I have lost a part of myself. I gave birth to this beautiful red-head….I was counting on her to be there for her sisters later in life…..especially, after I had passed on. This was not how it was supposed to happen. However, God had a different plan for our family. I just had no idea His plan would go in this direction……
How are we doing? Well, it depends on the moment…not the day. Ashley, my 5-year-old, seems to be handling losing Kayla better than any of us. She often talks to Kayla. Ashley told me that she has seen Kayla and all of her beautiful red hair has grown back. She also said that Kayla is working in a bakery in Heaven. And, I can’t wait to try a dessert from this Heavenly bakery……..Allison, my 13-year-old, keeps a lot of her thoughts and feelings to herself. She has had her moments and been very open and honest with me about how she is coping with Kayla’s death. But, I’m thankful that she has such good friends that keep her busy, even if it is to just talk about boys……As far as how I am doing, there are days that I am just okay. There are days where I’m crying so hard I can barely get off of the floor. I never stop thinking about her. She’s always right there in my thoughts and in my heart. But, there are times I will start thinking about Kayla’s short illness, her stressful stay in the hospital, her last few days of her life living in ICU and then I’ve convinced myself that I’m okay…..and then a wave of grief comes over me and I think, “Kayla is gone and she is never coming back.” At that time, I usually cry. I’ll cry for a few seconds or for a few hours. It just depends on the moment. The pain is always there. I have heard that time will help with the pain. I know that time can heal a broken heart or even a broken arm…..I just don’t see how time can ever stop the pain of losing a child.
As Christmas is quickly approaching, I find myself in denial that this joyful holiday will be celebrated at all. I’ve tried to Christmas shop one time with my friend, Teresa. I was doing okay until she left for a few minutes to go into a dressing room. It was then, when I briefly had no one to talk to to distract me from the Christmas music playing in the store, that I felt so empty and sad and thought, “How can anyone celebrate Christmas without Kayla?” It feels like the world should stop because she is gone. But, I know life does go on…..even if I don’t want it to. I have to get myself together for Allison and Ashley for Christmas; they are counting on me to get in touch with Santa this year and tell him what they want. Allison and I both agreed that we don’t want to put up any Christmas decorations or a tree this year. However, Ashley really wants to decorate. So, I made a deal with her. Tonight, we are going to put a miniature Christmas tree with decorations in Ashley’s room only. She is so excited about it and is really okay with not decorating a big tree in the living room. Maybe next year we can do it.
When Kayla was in the hospital and receiving chemotherapy treatment, it was never taking it one day at a time or one hour at a time….it was always one moment at a time. So, when you are wondering how we are doing, we are just taking it “one moment at a time.”